The Face of Grief and Pain

Most of my life has been spent as a quiet person. I certainly know times of boisterousness and leadership, but for a large part I am content not to fight for the need to pontificate more than those around me. In having this stance, there are all so many situations where the experience of calmly observing have taught me many lessons and insights.

In being quiet, I have also learned to share my time with others while simply listening. Sometimes as a friend, as concerned party, as one who wants to aid if possible, and as a one simply curious. As the years rolled on there came many commonalities among peoples' situations. Oft the details were amiss when compared to another instance, but more times than not the situation was all too familiar. It is in this vein that I take the different ways we wear both Pain and Grief.

The sources of these two emotions can be as different as possible, or about the same issue and circumstance. For instance, think of the death of someone close. Most likely you attended a wake, burial, service, memorial, of some kind. Think of how different the presence of each person attending may have been. Who was burying some expression for the person who had passed away? How many were talking about them as if they had merely taken a trip to a far off land? Who was nervously holding back outbursts? The many types of differences start to add up. Here is where the pain and grief become important.

Pain and Grief share common elements. They are certainly different feelings, sometimes linked together, but not with necessity. But one shared attribute that I find in them is their privacy in ownership. The expression of each can range from highly public to completely private, yet they are two feelings that come deeply from the heart. By originating at such a core level, do they fall into a place that leaves us individually to choose how we express them? There is the Other side of these feelings where one can NOT control how they manifest. E.g.- A badly broken leg will usually throw all caution or privacy about the pain away immediately.

Examples of this latter scale discounted, we see the choice we make in sharing or refraining from letting the world outside know our inner feelings. One may have a close person, or maybe pet be lost in some way, and express it openly to others. Yet, another may go on indefinitely without making this knowledge public in any way. The differences can both be understood and justified as healthy lifestyle patterns. But, the rub comes along when the two collide. Choosing to express one way and have a similar situation expressed completely the opposite somehow puts a strain on the differing parties. All too often with only one side knowing there is discontent among them.

What are the core reasons we choose to share our different approaches to pain, grief, and other feelings with those outside of our inner haven? Habit, modeling from others, expectations given us or taken on by us, the conditions of the moment, and many more influences may have their weight on which way we communicate them. The biggest question I have developed over time is: "why is our way all too often the preferred way in which we like to see others behave?" I have heard it all too often, about how 'so-and-so did this or that in a certain way and that was just so inappropriate'. Is it the intensity of these emotions that encourages many to stand pat with their method of expression being the best way? Maybe it can be accounted to the frailty of these circumstances.

What can be lost or forsaken if all are welcome to express these feelings in Any way they seem appropriate? Comfort? Control? Containment? How are understanding are we of others and ourselves? When next the situation approaches that has Your Face of Grief or Pain showing, what will you consider?

Last Night's Performance

The lights were not as bright as they usually are any other day. But the Candle Light Services typically are muted to capture the essence of the event/s. The seats were filled, many dressed in their festive favorites; a lot of red, green and gold. The air was crisp from a cold front that had recently settled into the area. All the pathways were lit by candles in white bags to add an air of festivity. The choir was primed, the pastors ready to share the spirit, the ushers greeting from the heart. The night was awaiting what the coming together of a season of love and sharing.

To those not familiar with the obtuse references, I am speaking of a Christian church at Christmas eve service. But I feel that it applies to many a situation of holiday or celebration event. Some details are germain to this situation, yet many may be substituted to realize another environment altogether. What rises above the details to me is the community and heartfelt participation of those involved. With the celebration of this and many holidays, it occasions our focus upon something bigger and more important than our individual lives and the nest we build around them.

These environments of our own creation, in our own worlds, are none the less valuable or diminished by an outward focus. In fact I would argue that ideally it is just the opposite - that the outward focus brings our 'circle' of life to a more settled and open state. But, the point I hope might be mulled over more than others is the one that says, 'what am I missing', 'how am I/ We omitting the more important meaning...', 'are those around me seeing things differently, and why might that be?' ...

The questions of life that we, or at least I, so often walk right past without pause. Without recognizing their importance it leaves me devoid of growth, community, inclusion, acceptance, and so on. How is it that we keep pushing our live on at such a pace that we omit much of the meaning behind it? Are we swept up in the details to excess? Or maybe just that we are challenged to the point of overload in handling the moments of our days. No matter what the reason behind the omission of meaning, the meaning is still there to be dealt with at every turn. Whether we accept it or nay, it remains in tact.

So the big question I ask is just why are we avoiding the deeper meanings that make life richer, crisper, and much more meaningful? The safety of controlling what we have stable at the moment may be more important to our survival, our maintenance, or need to remain on target. Our ability to handle the package that comes with challenging our values and beliefs (meanings), may simply be too much to approach. BUT, without challenging them, are we really capturing the spirit behind the celebrations, holidays, and the 'ah ha!' moments?

So as many coaches have shared with me over the years, expect your skills at _______ to come and grow as you practice and exercise them. Well, this is my holiday hope for all of you; please consider the challenge of opening your mind, emotions, bodies, and heart to the explorations of differences. You choose the details of what those differences may be, and how they fit into your walk upon this earth, but consider the gains that lie in wait for your fuller perspectives and understandings. So much to be gained, and lowly so much that often is missed.

Happy Holiday!

Tina's Tics

While I was but 9 years old or so my Mother took on a daily visitor by the name of Tina. She was at first shy and quiet as any 4 year old might be. Within a half an hour of arriving this child was decided to grab a bottle of perfume and start drinking it as if this were an everyday activity . Well, as the brood of kids we were, (here I mean the few cousins, and neighbor kids that were at the house that day), just thought that this meant she was crazy. As the jury of children, we pined to show how she was not part of our group. Our crass and confused comments landed abruptly on her to the point where they impacted Tina's spirit. She was quaking from all the change and challenges.

I have no idea how my Mom had come into the situation of taking care of this young girl. Had it been a reference from a friend or neighbor? The church often played a part in the local goings on of the neighborhood as a whole. Was it one of the many friends of my Grandmother? After all it was but a small town, and an even smaller circle of people in our sphere of contacts; all of which knew our family as a whole. Despite the connection our house was filled with her toddler livelihood. The excitement and newness of all things created energy that poured into our home that had known struggle and confusion in the recent years.

Initially she was almost a toy for me and a cousin of mine. We were years older and liked to have fun tricking her and playing games, more often than not at her expense. She was a trooper through and through. She hung tough through each and every maze of challenges she came upon. After all this was my Grandma's house and my Grandma had raised her own 6 kids, along with many of their kids, of which I fall into. People were coming and going more often than not. All of them were to interact with Tina to some extent. In the mean time she was fed, napped, loved, played with, and taught prior to that time everyday when her Dad would come to pick her up for the night. Six o'clock was the magic time.

She so loved her father that she would nearly explode in anticipation of his arrival. Daddy was her call out for him. And as one would imagine, he relished the unbridled love she heaped upon him. I could see that it simply melted his heart. The hard part for all of us was in knowing that he was taken with alcohol. Taken in a big way. He spent most of his time in the local tavern and when at home he drank until the night was out. The situation there was bleak to say the least. Tina's mother was suffering from a mental health issue and was quite old when she conceived the young bundle. But I think at least for me I always hoped with great sincerity that one day things would be resolved and the family would be united happily. To my knowledge this never happened.

As the many days accumulated we all became part of a bigger family. I did end up sticking up for Tina to my older cousins and friends. Underneath the tough facade there lay a beautiful little girl who was smart, mentally agile, and loving at heart. Yet through the years that we shared together, Tina had a nervous habit of rocking back and forth with stiff legs, which made it seem all the more apparent, this mostly happened when she was overwhelmed with the environment or knew that something was askew with her mother and/ or father. She had no idea that she did this rocking during the time when it happened.

I would like to think back and confine the parents' physically inappropriate behavior at their home as only in the early years, but it just wasn't so. After all Tina was with us for a matter of years and their behavior continually kept them from getting her back to their home. It is important to wrap your mind around the severity of the dysfunction in their family. The mom was often delusional for periods of time, on top of which she would often get cough in a cycle of drinking heavily and naturally propagate many strange situations. Her father was a heavy drinker. Daily and oft to excess. 

In fact I remember one particular day when there was no one at our house but Me, my Mom, and Tina. The phone rang and it was the father. At this time we had full custody of Tina for both the days and nights. He wanted to come and pick up his little girl. Well my Mom knew immediately that he was sopping drunk and I remember her doing her best to calm him down and talk him out of coming to our house.  It was of no use, he was on his way, remember this was a very small town. He was but a few minutes away by car, at the local bar. Within minutes my mom had called the family across the street and nearby neighbors but no one was at home. 

In those days we had but one phone and it was down stairs and in the middle of the house, visible from all the outside doors. After a few minutes of trying to reach someone, my mom and I saw the lights coming up the street, it was his car. We turned off the lights we could without being obvious and scampered up the stairs to the second floor with Tina in our arms. We huddled together on the floor upstairs praying that Tina would be quiet. When the old man got to the door and pounded a couple of times, he got mouthy, yelling things like 'I know you are in there', 'let me have my daughter', 'I have a gun and don't make me use it'. This is but some of what I remember. We were scared witless.

Mom held Tina close and kept whispering in her ear to be quiet, and the poor baby was wanting so badly to go to her Dad, to yell out. But I think that deep down even she knew that the state he was in was not a safe one. I had heard that she had hidden herself in her house for safety reasons when they all lived together, afraid to come out for hours. Make it through the 10 to 15 minutes of his rant we did. Shaking and desperate for alternative measures we might take, we had made it through. I can still remember the moment his car started and he drove away. Relieved and yet wondering what next, we moved on from there and eventually back into a near normal pattern of the mundane activities of daily life. 

But all this to show the point of just what this little one had been put up against. As time went on I did come to understand so much more of what lay behind many of Tina's Tics. All to the point of wonderment in seeing first hand how resilient that she had become; to regularly deal with the grown-up size trials that confronted her. Years later my Mom and I would go on to move across the country. When we did it came to pass that Tina was adopted by a great family that loved on her profusely.

In the long run I would remember the time spent with her as such a blessing for me. Although I have carefully thought of the true impact upon her, this tried soul, I have always hoped that in some small way that this little package of both challenge and wonder would find a place of peace, acceptance, and belonging.

Hawk's Lunch

In photography the wonderful concept of 'capturing the moment' makes a world of difference in the final result of the finished photo. Today I found myself in a situation where I was shooting pictures of a hawk at lunchtime, not my lunch but the hawk's. The concept of life and death up and down the food chain doesn't bother me at this point in my life. I have always logically understood the stratagem behind the hunt, but there is the other side of the equation, the fuzzy side of seeing a carnivore eating it's prey.

As the process of life play out in front of me I immediately thought of capturing some pictures of the hawk. Seeing one for me is rather rare these days, which enticed my excitement for seeing such a creature. In the taking of photos using the fancy 'point and click' camera from behind a window pane, I was just so focused upon the hawk that I completely lost track of the reality of the situation. Both sustenance and loss was right in front of me at the same time.

When viewed from behind the lenses of the camera, or of our personal lenses, the details of the object are enthralling. Yet, the view when I simply looked through my own eyes created so much more than just the objects of interest. I saw the intensity of the situation. The power and ownership of the hawks position over it's prey, and the fleeting of the moment. Our hawk was aware of so many noises and movements that the distractions became part of the dining process. A second or two of time to work on lunch along with three or four seconds to survey the potential for other issues in the area.

Questions poured over my mind. What would be noticed when the lunch didn't show up back at the nest. Do birds hold on to changes in their social/ family structures, or feel the difference? Was the hawk eating for itself only or was this hard earned meal going to be part of feeding for other birds waiting to share in the spoils? Did the cat on the inside want to go out to deal with the bird of prey, or was it even safe for the cat to be in the area? I thought of how interconnected all this activity is to the intricate web of life.

When that same issue of interconnectedness rests upon my mind. often I think of the complexity of life, and the lack of it, which is in a constant state of adaptation. The impact of our personal and individual actions upon this tapestry of life can only be guessed upon. In the writing of this post is the world changed in any way? The answer of course is  yes. If for no other reason than that you are spending some of your time in it's reading. Hopefully for me it has a greater impact upon your approach to some future action/s. Are you making your world a different place by your actions? Or perhaps helping to sustain the flow of lives around you?

The photos turned out just fine. The hawk was beautiful and the prey was unrecognizable. I am ready to move on to the next thing in my life; maybe a little more aware of what impact my actions may have upon my environment and the people in it.

"Be Well"

At times certain phrases or words strike me differently than the potful of typical daily terms. Well, this happened a few years back when a good friend of mine sent an e-mail to me and signed it with the comment "Be Well". I had a perplexed view of this as it was really the first time I had heard the two words used in that way, and for a substantial period of time was chewing on this message and its meaning.

It turns out that I found myself occasionally using this farewell when I was sending out a gag of e-mails to others. The first time I used it, there was nearly a feeling of guilt as the phrase had taken on such a personal meaning from my friend toward me. But push on beyond the moment and eventually it slowly became a staple in my wishes for friends and family; eventually to the point where I used it in a e-mail shared to the same friend who had sent it to me originally.

Over time he and I talked about the words and their diverse interpretation, the intent with which sent, and other typical comments used when corresponding. Quite interestingly we had such a fun spin on discovering the substance of "Be Well" and it's use that our conversation went on at some length. When to use it? To whom to apply it? When it was not appropriate? Is it appreciated by the receiver? What alternatives wait in the wings? These were but a few of the areas we explored. In the end I have found no other words that held such meaning as these, at least nothing so succinct.

The whole idea of taking greetings, farewells and the like at face value is something I have always valued. But, and this is a Big but, a good percentage of the people I have met over my lifetime really don't care to partake of such habits. They simply want to have the words be a nicety or formality of their interactions (I respect this all the same). Over the years differentiating these two has become more evident, when there might be an appreciation for taking the meaning literally or to simply see them as a cap to their actions. Personally, I prefer to have the words carry a little more meaning than their precursor to completing daily interactions. I am in the minority here to be sure.

This particular farewell greeting has yet to loose it's luster for me; although I am still careful and selective when using it. To me it says much more than 'take care', 'bye', 'sincerely', 'love', etc., or no statement at all, prior to my signature. For me when I use or receive "Be Well", I hear it as, "I wish/ hope/ pray for your life to be of such a state that you enjoy yourself and maintain optimal health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), in spite of all your life's challenges - both large and small." Quite a mouthful of words in meaning in two simple words.

So to all my friends and family may I say:  Be Well One and All!