In the next ten years.

When I was Eleven years old a couple of cousins of mine and I were taken with figuring out where we would be and what life would look like in Ten years time. This was in 1971, but I date myself. We talked for days about what choices we would make - settled in one place, going to college, having a business, traveling the country in our sports cars. Youth knowing no bounds found us planning trips, looking for the best cars available, considering the rewards of adulthood. After all we would then be twenty-one years old and fully capable of all legal endeavors. The sky was the limit and using up every inch of the open blue was our goal.

Well uniquely enough that period of prognostication has lived on for me up until this very day. Along the way, there were many factors to contend with and chew through in order to make some sense of what the next decade might look like. During my early twenties I considered the chasm between my skills and that of those around me. I had barely started to read with consistency. Yes literacy is the key to unlocking knowledge. Most of what I had learned throughout high school (public) was predicated upon the first five years in a Catholic (private) grade school. The blaring fact was that I had not found any inspiration to learn for nearly a decade prior. This is a tale for another time altogether.

Understanding my need to lessen this gulf of what seemed like common knowledge. My conclusion was to start back at the basics and fight to catch up with many of my contemporaries. Most of these were older by a decade or more and a good percentage degreed at least to the undergraduate level. I jumped in with both feet and over the period of my twenties came to enjoy a comfortable life as a single male in greater Los Angeles. Able to travel, purchase what I needed, cavort with friends, and enjoy family. There was a lot of need for personal growth as I had expended a lot of energy in ‘coming up to speed’.

As Thirty-One rolled around I found myself a man with two daughters and spouse. Quite different altogether from a few years earlier. But given the newer developments, I still focused as I had prior - on what the ‘next ten’ would bring. Would all this hard work pay off? I had been ‘towing the line’ since twenty-one at an aerospace company and had worked myself off the lower rungs of the business ladder, and was now seeing some return that matched my output. The differences between single life and family life were minimal to me as I had always been more of this sort to start. The question of my vision this time focused upon completing my education and building a financial base for later in life. I saw the goal at forty-one as nailing down the fixtures that bring more time for leisure and play, enough with the sixteen hours days already.

Onward to finish my education and fine focus upon the specific skills I could use to further leadership and qualification for the next level of business play. During this time I proverbially ‘hit the wall’. I was out of gas, exhausted, mentally in need of stress free living. None of this need was met for years to come. The relationship with my spouse died a horrid death and left tremendous hurt behind. The kind commensurate with being too spent for appropriate relationship redirection. I was out of gas in the desert and not a car to be seen. So I crawled to my feet and started to plod along with hopes of finding civilization. Eventually a friend saw me struggling along the side of the road and gave me a ride.

Here I was starting an inventory of what remained in my tool kit and off into the future I headed. When the ten years was coming to a close one could see me gaining some momentum and headed in a direction of excitement with fresh ingredients on the chopping block just waiting to become a gourmet meal. There had been much give and take, searching and finding, long hours, and dedicated effort to land a job at a prime restaurant in Santa Monica. My niche had been discovered and some momentum was now driving this changed future. The diet of ‘humble pie’ that had sustained me for five years had given way to a healthy diet.

Forty-one had arrived with a whimper of pain. The loss, which culminated from a series of mishaps had taken away all forms of the physical personhood I had know. Again with the starting over! This time with mobility issues driving the majority of my days. Still, there remained in me the optimism to look once more into the future for ‘ten more’. Most of the points of reference previously know to me were now gone. Capability was replaced with a pillow full of tears and a near term life of rehabilitative training ahead. The ability to care for myself was highly compromised and I could barely foresee a time ahead where I could target much more than returning to being fluent in business, at least at a point similar  to that of my twenties.


At the end of this 2011 I turn fifty-one years old. I hesitate to guess just what that point may bring in regard to seeing ahead, as I don't dare speculate in the tumultuous times upon me. The danger there lie in being at that place in my life prior to actually being there. The value of the remaining time until I reconcile once more is what I honor for time when it actually comes. Accepting the moments at hand is task enough. The accomplished yet rocky road of the past is now evident in my everyday adventures. I am hoping for what I believe most every person holds dear. A slight breeze at my back, the warm sun to guide me, a path that slopes in my favor, ample food for the trip, and a hand to hold along the way.

Again, this doesn't fit what I need!

Demographics, economy of scale, market niches, general preferences, risk management, are but a few of the voluminous variables that determine what is mass-produced in today's world. It seems the business sector prefers to analyze what the greatest percentage of people may pay money to buy, or be persuaded to buy. The analysis goes to depths that most people potentially could see as a intrusion into our private lives. This data, its capture, degree of integrity, manipulation, analysis, and finally a statistical probability mixed with current trends of industry create a marketable product or service.

Is this what any of us see when we look at products and services? A set of tires or a battery for your car. The sweater to replace the one you wore out. An hour with a lawyer. So many of our interchanges were created, priced, and marketed to us repeatedly so as to ingrain familiarity. How much to pay for a frozen yogurt was determined after a price point was established. Many say these factors are simply business. And of course none of us would disagree. But there is another aspect that carries substantial weight of its own. Where is the intersection of the purchasing parties needs and the greatest low risk financial return for the producer?

The dictation of style, function, and ultimately culture are in large part predetermined by the art of product sales and the services associated to them. This is almost like the saying, 'the tail wagging the dog'. Is the product 'machine' creating our wants and desires in what is made available for consumption? Or, is it that we dictate our desires to them through a give and take conversation of sorts. Queries, polls, panels, and more feedback options are utilized to 'ensure' customer involvement in this larger process of production. Yet, are the needs met for the consumer?

In giving feedback, there must exist an initial product or service upon which to give the opinions. Here is where more influence can be accounted the producer than the consumer. Recent history can affirm much of this through various examples. What goes into a product was not information deemed necessary for display until the last twenty to thirty years. The completeness of that information was suspect until just recently. The wording used was often too technical for understanding by the masses. Likewise, the inclusion of nutritional information for food products is a newer development. What differences this information will make is yet to be determined until enough data can be gathered over a substantial period.

While these two examples are common knowledge today, there remains a tremendous amount of 'givens' in this banter back and forth between the two sides of consumerism. Yet, the prime question remains, "who is driving the choices available to us as a whole". I contend it is the business side of the equation that takes the lead. Why? Because more needs are unmet than those that are met. Do we collectively have to divine what ingredients are safe for washing our hair? Are they cleaning our hair at the expense of keeping the hair? Will it be too harsh, too oily, too dry? Sure there is an aisle of cleaners, treatments, and more dedicated to these products in most every store that carries any hair product. But is that the need, to have a brand, formula, scent, prime ingredient for each and every possible type of hair? That is more about creating a market than meeting a need.

At the core of any true need (not perceived need, or produced need) is the reason for it. Do I need a dangling scented tree hanging from my car's mirror? Heck no. But is it desired? This is where I see more product targeted than ever before during my lifetime. Fulfill my wants but tread sparingly upon my needs. Can I get a long sleeved shirt that fits my rather long arms without getting one that is wide enough for two people? The answer is most always, No! But can I get that shirt that doesn't fit in some twenty colors and styles, Yes! Now if I were of a body size and shape queerly odd and of a extremely small percentage of  the population, that would be logical. But I am not. There are many, many others with the same dimensions as me wandering in this part of the earth.

Where is the need being met? It is invariably not being met in too many ways. But some might point me in the direction of a 'big and tall' store in the example of the shirt. Certainly that would work, but at a cost to me financially to the tune of 2 to 3 times the price. What need is being met there? Can a manufacturing plant make sizes in long as easily as 'regular'? Certain once again that the mass produced world being marketed today is solely for the profit end of the ‘business side’ of this producer/ consumer relationship.

Less a dissertation on production stratification within a specific consumer society, we are left with a body of evidence where society that is driven by the average, standard, most populous because it is cheaper to market toward this body of demographics. This way pennies per unit can be saved on mass-producing for the median than the whole. The sales sides of needs are being met as can be evidenced through the financial statements of companies and sectors also. The purchasing side of needs lack continuity as seen through decreased spending on specialty items (which typically meet greater needs than standardized goods) during these times of economic redefinition.

Guttural distinctions

It’s said by many that song traces back to the origins of language. What that may have looked and sounded like is surely beyond what we can explain today. Moreover, as it developed over time, it has taken on many varieties of forms. While I am not versed on the historical growth of this specifically, I am somehow tied to the inward knowledge of rhythms and tonal qualities that move emotion along with thoughts through this medium. As this is penned, I have no doubt that within all of us there is a connection to the same movement of being, when exposed to song.

There are so many types of responses to singing, perhaps as many as there songs. Some bring up feelings of anger, rage, and danger, while others a softer feel like passions, relaxation, and comfort. Yet, all forms touch something much deeper than we now can scientifically explain. It appears that at the core of who we are, both physiologically and psychologically, there exists a connection to a bigger whole that intertwines all of us. The how and why of this is for others to explain, but for me there is a wholeness that needs to be accounted for in order to absorb these expressions of words and sounds.

Are we all connected to pat responses in expressions of voice? On the other hand, is it more to the individual response that we gravitate? Maybe both? Nevertheless, respond we do to not only song, but to the musical sounds often accompany it. And certainly we don’t want to mix in the language elements of common speech, which again is another stem of consideration, but different than this quick look at the effects of vocal skills used in song. With these put aside for the moment, we must admit that the words of a chant, or ballad, or any other form, move us inwardly. What can we say about the movement we feel during this connection?

Moving, touching, stirring, are but a few of the adjectives that come up when we describe a fine exhibition of voice. It seems to communicate so much more than the words alone. The apparently infinite ways to vocalize bring a sense of meaning through the approach taken with a song. The infinitesimal flutterings, slides, emphases’, slurs, body language, facial expression, and so on bring the complete story to the forefront. All this to communicate in a meaningful way the message as a whole. Nevertheless, despite the methodology, this stirs in us feelings and connections to our very core.

So, be it a cheer of players ready to take the court, an anthem sung at times of remembrance, or simply a nursery rhyme, all areas of daily life carry the possibility to include song. Whether we choose to do this is one of personal preference, but when chosen there comes a connection to a bigger whole. One that links us collectively to being more than just the individual, more than what we can do and achieve on our own. One that connects times, meaning, and our basest urges. What song are you hearing right now?

Resolve to ...

In the 1960’s there was a comedian by the name of Norm Crosby, who had an interesting routine. His prominent approach was to mix and match words in common phrases to tell stories with a big twist. These were skewed by using terms that had multiple meanings, thereby changing them into comical items. I thought this was fun because it could take a routine set of words and spice them up, give multiple meanings, contradict others, and so on. As years passed, I learned that not many people have an appreciation for this developed skill. Those who did see value in this method understood many a joke and fun time in the otherwise mundane times of life.

About a decade later, my Uncle Joe taught me that much of our English language was developed from the root language of Latin. Although this older language was foreign to me, it held the meanings to words we have established for use today. Well since this time, I have noticed the difference in the actual meaning versus the way we interpret or habitually use words today. As it is now the beginning of the new year of 2011, the word ‘resolution’ is tossed about generously.

For the New Year many people make resolutions to change their behavior, typically these do not last but a few weeks at best. Of the estimated 10 to 15 percent of people who keep their resolutions for more than a few months, the reward is not only the resolution itself, but also the additional pay-off of knowing they have an ability to follow through on their goals. This singular focus of improving ourselves is the norm, but a broader target onto others deserves equal attention also. Whatever the direction of intent, all serve well for those who pursue their resolutions through to their conclusion.

When I hear use of the term resolution/s, I think of the word’s root, resolve or further to solve. This sheds a little different light on how it typically appears to me, not just to change for the better but to solve an issue. Solutions (resolutions) are made on all levels of life, from attempting to fix a personal issue, to looking at more general issues such as ‘global warming’. They all contain a desire for solution of problematic situations. With this wide array of situations, I am lead to ask if the creation of a resolution may be more often simply a gesture meant to appease our consciences than to truly take care of an issue.

Do we really believe in what we want to solve? For example, if we are to balance our bank accounts each month as soon as the statements are available, do we actually make the plan to do so as well as insure our motivation is aimed to complete the exercise? Having a plan to succeed is as paramount as having the desire to fulfill the plan. The same can be said of the plans to reconcile the nation’s budgetary issues, or better defining the policy for immigration. No matter the questions we choose, are the plans thorough and set up for success? I believe each of us can see how critical our choices are at the beginning of the process to resolve any issue.

The ultimate point I bring to the front here is; ‘how we approach the times in our lives when we choose to make changes for resolution creates firm statements of who we are and how we operate.’ Our identity is linked to the ways we approach these opportunities and/ or their successful completion. My encouragement to anyone attempting a resolution is to take enough time at the beginning to make a plan that has a high probability for success. In doing this, it potentially allows us to see how taking this time to focus on success makes the chance of enacting it all the easier. So let us all make resolutions ad infinitum with the intent to have as much success as anyone may imagine. Bring on our futures and our choices in identity. Happy New Year!

Who’s Voice?

For years now, I thought that a person’s ‘voice’ referred to the sounds coming out of their mouth. While that is true to a certain extent, it is only a fraction of the different segments that make up the ‘voice’. In reality, the extent to which a person’s extends this term is determined holistically by their presence and fullness of their natural self. Sound ambiguous? I certainly think so. The reason is that someone’s voice is ideally an expression of who they are internally, both public and private. This is a grand inclusion of factors to be sure.

The common definition of voice in academic and professional terms takes into account so much more than sounds. It includes intonation, facial expression, pitch, tone, body language, delivery options, ease of use, and so very much more. So, in essence the voice is the conglomerate delivery of yourself to an outside world. Within it are the subtleties of personality, self image, feelings, meanings and more. One can tell so much from experiencing another’s expressions.

Knowing the grander view of this definition leads us individually toward the opposite poles of either tension or toward liberation. Does fear and apprehension take over, or does the aspect of fuller expression excite us? In addressing the particular status for our voice reveals much of who we are choosing to exhibit to the world at large. From frailties to strengths, ignorance to knowledge, inabilities to skills, and so on, the form of expression says so very much to others. While much of this is unwittingly part of our daily lives, and vastly much is learned from family or friends, yet we choose which methods to use for interaction.

The majority of one’s voice can be chosen, yet few follow this course. More often the choice is to parrot what others around them are doing, especially those of influence like parents, relatives, and close relationships. What social and personal elements stand behind these choices is more a study in sociology than informed personal decisions. But, the importance of the voice can not be emphasized enough as it influences so near all aspects of the human condition.

Which jobs or careers we follow, how relationships progress, and which choices are available to us are a few of the impacts that our voices have in our lives. How other parties interpret our intent to execute a plan for example, shows which skills we have chosen to train. Is this interaction effective or slanted in other angles, where it becomes unclear what elements are weighted more than another? The results will determine the actions of the various participants which following.

We do choose the different aspects of expression we believe important. Unfortunately, all to often these choices are not conscious ones. Nevertheless, make the choice we do, usually at a young age. Somewhere around the latter stages of elementary school and during middle school (10 – 15 years of age), we veer away from any educationally taught patterns and create an inlay of localized vocal habits. While some are taught how to employ the aspects of their personal voice, the educator’s training, knowledge, habits, and influences such as the number of students very often limit teaching abilities. Typically, this leaves uninformed decisions the normal circumstance.

The capacity to engage our identity fully relies on its interpretation by a world in rapid motion, one that typically waits for no one. Engaging in this drama of hyper-activity relies on us taking what steps we desire toward any goal or process. How effective, or efficient, we are in communicating what is wanted/ needed hinges on the Voice we enlist. Importance in this portion of our skills cannot be underestimated. Abilities to choose skillfully the methods of interaction is paramount.

Ideally, we choose the skills and habits that are making grand differences in life. It is at this point that difficult choices of how and why we behave one way or another becomes addressable; seeing interactions differently  and experiencing what happens when the world sees us differently. Guarantees of change are surely headed toward mature persons that take on revamping their styles of communication. Conversely, the cost of not taking on this venture is to undermine the expression of the internal personhood.

As for conclusions to these thoughts, I hope as many persons as possible will take a moment to think through their own relationship with their ‘voice’. This can allow a greater sense of being and a more integrated place upon this earth. As for me, I am off to discover the next way to enhance my ability to share myself with you.

The Face of Grief and Pain

Most of my life has been spent as a quiet person. I certainly know times of boisterousness and leadership, but for a large part I am content not to fight for the need to pontificate more than those around me. In having this stance, there are all so many situations where the experience of calmly observing have taught me many lessons and insights.

In being quiet, I have also learned to share my time with others while simply listening. Sometimes as a friend, as concerned party, as one who wants to aid if possible, and as a one simply curious. As the years rolled on there came many commonalities among peoples' situations. Oft the details were amiss when compared to another instance, but more times than not the situation was all too familiar. It is in this vein that I take the different ways we wear both Pain and Grief.

The sources of these two emotions can be as different as possible, or about the same issue and circumstance. For instance, think of the death of someone close. Most likely you attended a wake, burial, service, memorial, of some kind. Think of how different the presence of each person attending may have been. Who was burying some expression for the person who had passed away? How many were talking about them as if they had merely taken a trip to a far off land? Who was nervously holding back outbursts? The many types of differences start to add up. Here is where the pain and grief become important.

Pain and Grief share common elements. They are certainly different feelings, sometimes linked together, but not with necessity. But one shared attribute that I find in them is their privacy in ownership. The expression of each can range from highly public to completely private, yet they are two feelings that come deeply from the heart. By originating at such a core level, do they fall into a place that leaves us individually to choose how we express them? There is the Other side of these feelings where one can NOT control how they manifest. E.g.- A badly broken leg will usually throw all caution or privacy about the pain away immediately.

Examples of this latter scale discounted, we see the choice we make in sharing or refraining from letting the world outside know our inner feelings. One may have a close person, or maybe pet be lost in some way, and express it openly to others. Yet, another may go on indefinitely without making this knowledge public in any way. The differences can both be understood and justified as healthy lifestyle patterns. But, the rub comes along when the two collide. Choosing to express one way and have a similar situation expressed completely the opposite somehow puts a strain on the differing parties. All too often with only one side knowing there is discontent among them.

What are the core reasons we choose to share our different approaches to pain, grief, and other feelings with those outside of our inner haven? Habit, modeling from others, expectations given us or taken on by us, the conditions of the moment, and many more influences may have their weight on which way we communicate them. The biggest question I have developed over time is: "why is our way all too often the preferred way in which we like to see others behave?" I have heard it all too often, about how 'so-and-so did this or that in a certain way and that was just so inappropriate'. Is it the intensity of these emotions that encourages many to stand pat with their method of expression being the best way? Maybe it can be accounted to the frailty of these circumstances.

What can be lost or forsaken if all are welcome to express these feelings in Any way they seem appropriate? Comfort? Control? Containment? How are understanding are we of others and ourselves? When next the situation approaches that has Your Face of Grief or Pain showing, what will you consider?

Last Night's Performance

The lights were not as bright as they usually are any other day. But the Candle Light Services typically are muted to capture the essence of the event/s. The seats were filled, many dressed in their festive favorites; a lot of red, green and gold. The air was crisp from a cold front that had recently settled into the area. All the pathways were lit by candles in white bags to add an air of festivity. The choir was primed, the pastors ready to share the spirit, the ushers greeting from the heart. The night was awaiting what the coming together of a season of love and sharing.

To those not familiar with the obtuse references, I am speaking of a Christian church at Christmas eve service. But I feel that it applies to many a situation of holiday or celebration event. Some details are germain to this situation, yet many may be substituted to realize another environment altogether. What rises above the details to me is the community and heartfelt participation of those involved. With the celebration of this and many holidays, it occasions our focus upon something bigger and more important than our individual lives and the nest we build around them.

These environments of our own creation, in our own worlds, are none the less valuable or diminished by an outward focus. In fact I would argue that ideally it is just the opposite - that the outward focus brings our 'circle' of life to a more settled and open state. But, the point I hope might be mulled over more than others is the one that says, 'what am I missing', 'how am I/ We omitting the more important meaning...', 'are those around me seeing things differently, and why might that be?' ...

The questions of life that we, or at least I, so often walk right past without pause. Without recognizing their importance it leaves me devoid of growth, community, inclusion, acceptance, and so on. How is it that we keep pushing our live on at such a pace that we omit much of the meaning behind it? Are we swept up in the details to excess? Or maybe just that we are challenged to the point of overload in handling the moments of our days. No matter what the reason behind the omission of meaning, the meaning is still there to be dealt with at every turn. Whether we accept it or nay, it remains in tact.

So the big question I ask is just why are we avoiding the deeper meanings that make life richer, crisper, and much more meaningful? The safety of controlling what we have stable at the moment may be more important to our survival, our maintenance, or need to remain on target. Our ability to handle the package that comes with challenging our values and beliefs (meanings), may simply be too much to approach. BUT, without challenging them, are we really capturing the spirit behind the celebrations, holidays, and the 'ah ha!' moments?

So as many coaches have shared with me over the years, expect your skills at _______ to come and grow as you practice and exercise them. Well, this is my holiday hope for all of you; please consider the challenge of opening your mind, emotions, bodies, and heart to the explorations of differences. You choose the details of what those differences may be, and how they fit into your walk upon this earth, but consider the gains that lie in wait for your fuller perspectives and understandings. So much to be gained, and lowly so much that often is missed.

Happy Holiday!

Tina's Tics

While I was but 9 years old or so my Mother took on a daily visitor by the name of Tina. She was at first shy and quiet as any 4 year old might be. Within a half an hour of arriving this child was decided to grab a bottle of perfume and start drinking it as if this were an everyday activity . Well, as the brood of kids we were, (here I mean the few cousins, and neighbor kids that were at the house that day), just thought that this meant she was crazy. As the jury of children, we pined to show how she was not part of our group. Our crass and confused comments landed abruptly on her to the point where they impacted Tina's spirit. She was quaking from all the change and challenges.

I have no idea how my Mom had come into the situation of taking care of this young girl. Had it been a reference from a friend or neighbor? The church often played a part in the local goings on of the neighborhood as a whole. Was it one of the many friends of my Grandmother? After all it was but a small town, and an even smaller circle of people in our sphere of contacts; all of which knew our family as a whole. Despite the connection our house was filled with her toddler livelihood. The excitement and newness of all things created energy that poured into our home that had known struggle and confusion in the recent years.

Initially she was almost a toy for me and a cousin of mine. We were years older and liked to have fun tricking her and playing games, more often than not at her expense. She was a trooper through and through. She hung tough through each and every maze of challenges she came upon. After all this was my Grandma's house and my Grandma had raised her own 6 kids, along with many of their kids, of which I fall into. People were coming and going more often than not. All of them were to interact with Tina to some extent. In the mean time she was fed, napped, loved, played with, and taught prior to that time everyday when her Dad would come to pick her up for the night. Six o'clock was the magic time.

She so loved her father that she would nearly explode in anticipation of his arrival. Daddy was her call out for him. And as one would imagine, he relished the unbridled love she heaped upon him. I could see that it simply melted his heart. The hard part for all of us was in knowing that he was taken with alcohol. Taken in a big way. He spent most of his time in the local tavern and when at home he drank until the night was out. The situation there was bleak to say the least. Tina's mother was suffering from a mental health issue and was quite old when she conceived the young bundle. But I think at least for me I always hoped with great sincerity that one day things would be resolved and the family would be united happily. To my knowledge this never happened.

As the many days accumulated we all became part of a bigger family. I did end up sticking up for Tina to my older cousins and friends. Underneath the tough facade there lay a beautiful little girl who was smart, mentally agile, and loving at heart. Yet through the years that we shared together, Tina had a nervous habit of rocking back and forth with stiff legs, which made it seem all the more apparent, this mostly happened when she was overwhelmed with the environment or knew that something was askew with her mother and/ or father. She had no idea that she did this rocking during the time when it happened.

I would like to think back and confine the parents' physically inappropriate behavior at their home as only in the early years, but it just wasn't so. After all Tina was with us for a matter of years and their behavior continually kept them from getting her back to their home. It is important to wrap your mind around the severity of the dysfunction in their family. The mom was often delusional for periods of time, on top of which she would often get cough in a cycle of drinking heavily and naturally propagate many strange situations. Her father was a heavy drinker. Daily and oft to excess. 

In fact I remember one particular day when there was no one at our house but Me, my Mom, and Tina. The phone rang and it was the father. At this time we had full custody of Tina for both the days and nights. He wanted to come and pick up his little girl. Well my Mom knew immediately that he was sopping drunk and I remember her doing her best to calm him down and talk him out of coming to our house.  It was of no use, he was on his way, remember this was a very small town. He was but a few minutes away by car, at the local bar. Within minutes my mom had called the family across the street and nearby neighbors but no one was at home. 

In those days we had but one phone and it was down stairs and in the middle of the house, visible from all the outside doors. After a few minutes of trying to reach someone, my mom and I saw the lights coming up the street, it was his car. We turned off the lights we could without being obvious and scampered up the stairs to the second floor with Tina in our arms. We huddled together on the floor upstairs praying that Tina would be quiet. When the old man got to the door and pounded a couple of times, he got mouthy, yelling things like 'I know you are in there', 'let me have my daughter', 'I have a gun and don't make me use it'. This is but some of what I remember. We were scared witless.

Mom held Tina close and kept whispering in her ear to be quiet, and the poor baby was wanting so badly to go to her Dad, to yell out. But I think that deep down even she knew that the state he was in was not a safe one. I had heard that she had hidden herself in her house for safety reasons when they all lived together, afraid to come out for hours. Make it through the 10 to 15 minutes of his rant we did. Shaking and desperate for alternative measures we might take, we had made it through. I can still remember the moment his car started and he drove away. Relieved and yet wondering what next, we moved on from there and eventually back into a near normal pattern of the mundane activities of daily life. 

But all this to show the point of just what this little one had been put up against. As time went on I did come to understand so much more of what lay behind many of Tina's Tics. All to the point of wonderment in seeing first hand how resilient that she had become; to regularly deal with the grown-up size trials that confronted her. Years later my Mom and I would go on to move across the country. When we did it came to pass that Tina was adopted by a great family that loved on her profusely.

In the long run I would remember the time spent with her as such a blessing for me. Although I have carefully thought of the true impact upon her, this tried soul, I have always hoped that in some small way that this little package of both challenge and wonder would find a place of peace, acceptance, and belonging.

Hawk's Lunch

In photography the wonderful concept of 'capturing the moment' makes a world of difference in the final result of the finished photo. Today I found myself in a situation where I was shooting pictures of a hawk at lunchtime, not my lunch but the hawk's. The concept of life and death up and down the food chain doesn't bother me at this point in my life. I have always logically understood the stratagem behind the hunt, but there is the other side of the equation, the fuzzy side of seeing a carnivore eating it's prey.

As the process of life play out in front of me I immediately thought of capturing some pictures of the hawk. Seeing one for me is rather rare these days, which enticed my excitement for seeing such a creature. In the taking of photos using the fancy 'point and click' camera from behind a window pane, I was just so focused upon the hawk that I completely lost track of the reality of the situation. Both sustenance and loss was right in front of me at the same time.

When viewed from behind the lenses of the camera, or of our personal lenses, the details of the object are enthralling. Yet, the view when I simply looked through my own eyes created so much more than just the objects of interest. I saw the intensity of the situation. The power and ownership of the hawks position over it's prey, and the fleeting of the moment. Our hawk was aware of so many noises and movements that the distractions became part of the dining process. A second or two of time to work on lunch along with three or four seconds to survey the potential for other issues in the area.

Questions poured over my mind. What would be noticed when the lunch didn't show up back at the nest. Do birds hold on to changes in their social/ family structures, or feel the difference? Was the hawk eating for itself only or was this hard earned meal going to be part of feeding for other birds waiting to share in the spoils? Did the cat on the inside want to go out to deal with the bird of prey, or was it even safe for the cat to be in the area? I thought of how interconnected all this activity is to the intricate web of life.

When that same issue of interconnectedness rests upon my mind. often I think of the complexity of life, and the lack of it, which is in a constant state of adaptation. The impact of our personal and individual actions upon this tapestry of life can only be guessed upon. In the writing of this post is the world changed in any way? The answer of course is  yes. If for no other reason than that you are spending some of your time in it's reading. Hopefully for me it has a greater impact upon your approach to some future action/s. Are you making your world a different place by your actions? Or perhaps helping to sustain the flow of lives around you?

The photos turned out just fine. The hawk was beautiful and the prey was unrecognizable. I am ready to move on to the next thing in my life; maybe a little more aware of what impact my actions may have upon my environment and the people in it.

"Be Well"

At times certain phrases or words strike me differently than the potful of typical daily terms. Well, this happened a few years back when a good friend of mine sent an e-mail to me and signed it with the comment "Be Well". I had a perplexed view of this as it was really the first time I had heard the two words used in that way, and for a substantial period of time was chewing on this message and its meaning.

It turns out that I found myself occasionally using this farewell when I was sending out a gag of e-mails to others. The first time I used it, there was nearly a feeling of guilt as the phrase had taken on such a personal meaning from my friend toward me. But push on beyond the moment and eventually it slowly became a staple in my wishes for friends and family; eventually to the point where I used it in a e-mail shared to the same friend who had sent it to me originally.

Over time he and I talked about the words and their diverse interpretation, the intent with which sent, and other typical comments used when corresponding. Quite interestingly we had such a fun spin on discovering the substance of "Be Well" and it's use that our conversation went on at some length. When to use it? To whom to apply it? When it was not appropriate? Is it appreciated by the receiver? What alternatives wait in the wings? These were but a few of the areas we explored. In the end I have found no other words that held such meaning as these, at least nothing so succinct.

The whole idea of taking greetings, farewells and the like at face value is something I have always valued. But, and this is a Big but, a good percentage of the people I have met over my lifetime really don't care to partake of such habits. They simply want to have the words be a nicety or formality of their interactions (I respect this all the same). Over the years differentiating these two has become more evident, when there might be an appreciation for taking the meaning literally or to simply see them as a cap to their actions. Personally, I prefer to have the words carry a little more meaning than their precursor to completing daily interactions. I am in the minority here to be sure.

This particular farewell greeting has yet to loose it's luster for me; although I am still careful and selective when using it. To me it says much more than 'take care', 'bye', 'sincerely', 'love', etc., or no statement at all, prior to my signature. For me when I use or receive "Be Well", I hear it as, "I wish/ hope/ pray for your life to be of such a state that you enjoy yourself and maintain optimal health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), in spite of all your life's challenges - both large and small." Quite a mouthful of words in meaning in two simple words.

So to all my friends and family may I say:  Be Well One and All!